Well my last post was depressing. I guess I was feeling depressed that day.
Anyway, I am feeling a lot more positive about life. At first I was a little pissed off that after signing a full time contract at the Breakfast Club I am actually only part time and I only have 16 hours this week.
However with a text from HOM Productions asking if I can do some editing for them, it’s made me realise that I shouldn’t be full time there anyway. Yes it would be good to have a steady stream of money but at the end of the day, it’s too easy to get stuck in full time work at a restaurant, letting it become my life which would be easy at a place like the Breakfast Club because it’s great.
So I won’t take it for 100% guaranteed until I am handed a hard drive and have discussed everything with Hari-Om but this should mean I’ll be editing and actually getting paid for it alongside a part time job so I can make my own editing schedule.
My room looks a lot nicer now, I’ve got a bookcase, a desk, a chair, a storage drawer unit and a laundry basket now. Which doesn’t seem that impressive but it really makes my room feel like an actual room now.
I’m scared you’ll never truly be committed to me.
I know we’re not even a year into this yet, but I look at other people who are a year or two into their relationships, looking like they might be moving in together and I feel like that’s something you’ll never want.
At least not for years yet.
But then again, is that really something I want anyway. I feel like it is, because I want to be with you, but if I were to live with you, it wouldn’t be our house, it would be your house. You’d invite everyone around all the time, you’d want parties and you wouldn’t be able to be alone with me for more than a few days before someone had to come round for dinner.
I think I want to get through this period of my life. I don’t feel old but I don’t feel young anymore either. I don’t know what I feel anymore. And the person I wish I could confide all of this in is the person who won’t take it seriously. Why can’t I tell you things like this?
So I had my trial shift at The Breakfast Club today and while I was a bit slow and rusty at first, I definitely picked up by the end of it and got better and I think they could tell.
I really, really hope I get this. I need this job so much and it would be so good to stop worrying about money and have a job that may be stressful at times but is also gonna be a lot of fun. There’s a definite sense of community at the Hoxton cafe, and with the London Bridge hiring an entirely new staff, everyone would be in the same boat and I’d finally get to have actual work friends.
I want this so much.
Please. And thank you.
I feel extremely lonely right now.
Then I think about how I saw my boyfriend yesterday and I’ll most likely be seeing him tomorrow or Monday as well and I feel stupid.
But I don’t think that’s the source of how I feel now. It’s my friends. I know some of them are on holiday and some are just busy and/or bad at replying. But is this how it’s going to be from now on? University finishes and I just never see my friends again? It takes effort to meet up with people and stay in touch but so often it feels like I’m the one that’s trying to make plans and having them turned down or ignored.
Maybe I’m just in a rut, a rut that will hopefully be broken by the end of next week: the film should be over by then and here’s hoping my trial shift/interviews go well and I secure a job.
So, university is
over nearly over (despite having already graduated).
It will feel so good when Splitting Hairs is fully re-mixed and re-mastered and I can hand the hard drive to Behnam for storage and I don’t care where I am, or who I’m with I will be having a drink or ten to celebrate. The kind of celebration that everyone else had weeks/months ago when their roles had finished.
But even when it’s finished and over, the inevitable and cliched question comes around the corner, “what now?”
In all honesty, I don’t know.